Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots announced today that they will start a Shetland pony named Biscuit at quarterback in the absence of Tom Brady. Brady is serving the final week of a four-game suspension levied as a result of cheating allegations in the 2015’s playoffs. In Brady’s absence, the Patriots have gone 3-0 behind able performances of backups Jimmy Garoppolo and rookie Jacoby Brissett.
“We plan to run several looks with a rotation of quarterbacks this week, but we expect Biscuit to take the majority of snaps,” said head coach Bill Belichick in his Friday press conference. “It’s nothing against our other quarterbacks. They’ve looked good all week in practice and in our first three games. We just feel that Biscuit gives us the best chance against what we’re seeing on film of the Bills’ defense.”
The personnel change hasn’t been completely smooth. “Of course I’m a little disappointed,” said third-string quarterback Brissett. “I think I played well last week, but if coach wants a three year-old roan to start the game, then that’s what we’re doing.”
Wideout Julian Edelman, who was listed as backup quarterback last week in the suspension- and injury-depleted position, said, “I’ll play wherever coach wants me to play. If he tells me to play quarterback, I’ll play quarterback. If he tells me to fetch water for a rookie, I’ll do that. If he needs me to take passes from a miniature horse, then I’ll do that too.”
Scouts report that Biscuit has above-average foot speed and endurance, but a weak throwing arm and a lack of opposable thumbs.
Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan remarked earlier today that, “Losing this game will be really embarrassing.”
Vegas oddsmakers have set the opening line at Patriots -20.