Louisville, KY – Local resident and convicted child molester Roger Goodell is tired of being mistaken for the NFL Commissioner of the same name reports a source. Roger Goodell pleaded guilty to exposing himself to children at a local playground in 2014 and now must register with the state and remain a thousand feet away from any elementary school.
“Whenever I hand my I.D. to someone, like at the store, they give me this really suspicious look, and I have to explain, ‘I’m not the asshole NFL Commissioner, I’m the guy who exposed himself to those kids,’ and they always nod and relax a little.”
“I hate that we let people like Roger Goodell continue to live in this country,” said local resident Mike Faldo. “He’s a sick son of a bitch who doesn’t contribute a damn thing to the world and just takes up our precious air. Now who’s this sex offender you mentioned? Never heard of him.”
“I hope they let me change my name,” lamented Goodell. “I never really saw much of a down side to having to register as a sex offender, but if they don’t let me change my name, I’ll have to kill myself. My mom posted my bail that day, but sharing a name with that douche bag commissioner is without a doubt the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Goodell went on to say, “It’s bad enough I kind of look like that moron, with this stupid red hair and dead eyes. When moms see me coming down the street, they walk their kids to the other side. It’s only when they get closer that they see I’m not that brain dead slug and they stop worrying.”
“I feel like I’m being held hostage by that jerk,” said Goodell. “I’m too humiliated to even leave the house anymore. I’m always scared that someone will see me and not recognize that I’m the guy who dropped trou in front of a group of kids instead of that monster in New York, and I just can’t live with that kind of indignity. Why can’t he just die already?”
At press time, the city counsel was debating an ordinance keeping NFL commissioner Roger Goodell 1000 feet from the city to avoid these unfortunate kinds of mix-ups.