Cleveland, OH – Following the stunning victory of the Cleveland Cavaliers over the favored Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals, Cleveland residents found themselves unwilling to muster enough energy to stage a proper riot. This is the first Cleveland championship in a major sport since 1964.
“I’m so happy, I want to push that police car over and set it on fire, but I just can’t get motivated enough to do it,” said local resident Jerry Markham. “A bunch of us ran out into the street as soon as the game was over, but no one really wanted to get things started. Instead, we just went back inside, watched Sportscenter, and looked for funny crying Jordan memes on Twitter.
Another resident, Tyler Johnson, said, “Yeah, if this had been ten years ago, I would have torn this city down. But I don’t know, after Johnny Football and the Decision, I just don’t have the energy to pick up a trash can and throw it through the window of a gas station so I can steal $15 worth of jerky. I mean, I know I should, but I have work tomorrow.”
“I went downtown,” remarked Cleveland State University junior Burt Garrett, “but once I got there, I just took in a deep breath, hugged a hobo, and caught a cab back home to go to sleep. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
The Finals MVP LeBron James expressed his disappointment. “I worked my butt off on the court, brought this team back from the brink of elimination, and won the first championship in 50 years and these people can’t even thank me by tearing down a few street lights? It’s disrespectful, man.”
At press time, riots were quickly spreading around Detroit in anticipation of a possible Pistons playoff appearance next year, or the start of Summer, or boredom or whatever.