Dallas, TX – In the wake of Leonard Fournette’s announcement that his family has purchased insurance in the event that the star running back becomes injured in his final year of college, Dez Bryant of the Dallas Cowboys has told sources that he recently took out a policy for his mouth. The insurance policy, written by Lloyds of London, would protect Bryant’s mouth in the event that it became too injured or disabled to speak, brag, boast, bluster, yap, yammer, or harangue.
“A big part of Bryant’s game is talk,” said a spokesperson on behalf of the wide receiver. “If Dez can’t talk a lot of trash that he’s then unable to back up, it diminishes his value to the team and to Jerry [Jones]”
Bryant, who signed a five-year contract in 2015, stands to lose millions if certain incentives and benchmarks aren’t met. Most of those incentives revolve around his ability to maintain a sixteen-game schedule of empty bravado and toothless boasts.
Said head coach Jason Garrett, “Dez is an important part of our gameplan every week. We count on him to jeer, shout, and cajole our opponents, but also to taunt more important team members like Tony [Romo] and Jason [Witten]. Without his shallow display of fire and leadership, this slow-moving ship wouldn’t have a rudder.”
The policy should give Bryant and Cowboys fans alike the comfort and security of knowing that win or lose, their future of hollow bluster is unthreatened for year to come.
At press time, team owner Jerry Jones was considering taking out a policy that paid out in the unlikely event that Tony Romo was able to play for a full season.