New NFL Combine Events Test Players’ Ability to Evade League Drug Testing

40 yard

Indianapolis, IN – NFL hopefuls from all across the collegiate landscape were pushed to their limits this week as the 2016 NFL Combine debuted a series of new evaluations to determine how well a player can evade mandatory drug testing, reports a league source.  The athletes were tasked with displaying the speed, fortitude, and guile necessary to elude the various methods implemented by the NFL to regulate and punish use of recreational and performance enhancing drugs.

“The written exam was the toughest,” exclaimed UCLA standout Myles Jack.  “They asked questions like ‘where were you on August 15th?’ and ‘what’s your fall guy’s middle name?’  It was tough, but I guess if you want to be able to compete at the highest level, you need to be able to keep up with these types of details.”

One of the new tests, termed the ‘40-second dash’ challenges each player’s ability to improvise a disguise using common household items in only 40 seconds.  Baylor tackle Andrew Billings posted an impressive full beard and fake nose in the evaluation, garnering interest among many of the scouts in attendance and elevating his draft value.

“These guys are all top athletes,” remarked Raiders general manager Reggie McKenzie.  “We know they’re fast and strong, but we also know they’re not going to get in trouble when they smoke weed or roid up.  Nothing can stop that, so the most important quality we can look for these days is are they going to get caught?”

It has become a regular occurrence for teams to lose players for several games and often up to a full season for repeated drug offenses.

“It can really damage your season when one of your stars misses games just for smoking a joint,” said McKenzie.  “So now we have to test for players who can avoid those losses.”

Should the new tests prove successful in assessing new talent, the league has plans to implement additional evaluations in the future regarding covering marks left by domestic abuse.

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