San Francisco, CA – The Denver Broncos weren’t the only ones celebrating after Super Bowl 50. Yesterday also marked Roger Goodell’s tenth year as league commissioner, and no one was more aware of this than Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, who collected on a one dollar bet made with fellow owner Daniel Snyder a decade ago over whether the most incompetent human alive could ruin the NFL. Since the bet was struck in 2006, Roger Goodell has been unable to completely dismantle the league, despite his best efforts, making Jerry Jones one dollar richer and a lot happier.
“Jerry was lit that night,” said fellow owner Robert Kraft. “He was all, ‘Guys, this league is makin’ so much money it could probably run itself. In fact, I’ll bet we could train a monkey to run this thing and these sheep would keep tuning in every year.’ That’s when Dan told him to put his money where he mouth was.”
When asked about the bet, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder recalled that day. “Jerry had about $600 of Macallan 25 in him, and when he gets like that, he gets crazy. So just to shut him up, I said, ‘Okay, how about we make Roger commissioner for ten years?’ I mean, I didn’t think he’d actually go for it. It was crazy.”
Jerry Jones was also reached for comment regarding his recollection of the wager. “I admit, when Dan threw out Roger’s name, I nearly backed out of the whole thing. I mean, on the one hand, this is a billion dollar company and shouldn’t be run by the office clown, but on the other hand, I have never, ever backed out of a bet in my life, and I wasn’t gonna’ let that little Jew draw down on Big Jerry Jones, I tell you what.”
“We tried to get Dan to take back the bet,” said Kraft. “Roger is literally the dumbest human being I’ve ever met, and I’m from Boston. He’s that perfect mix of idiocy and hubris that only comes from someone who’s grown up having everything handed to him by a rich, powerful daddy, but thinks he accomplished it on his own. You know, the type of guy who makes bad decisions and sticks with them because no one’s ever told him he’s a moron. The NFL would have been better off having one of those novelty dunking birds calling shots, but Jerry was just being Jerry and calling Dan names, and Dan looked like he might start crying, but he just said, ‘Let’s do this.’”
Over the next ten years, Goodell went on to make what most people would consider to be the exact wrong choices on every major league problem. He displayed an unparalleled lack of charisma, levied out ham-fisted punishments without regard to any guiding principle whatsoever, and somehow made the game less entertaining to watch without making it any safer for the players. But despite all that, the NFL has never been more popular, and Jerry Jones can now enjoy what must the favorite one of his billions of dollars.
When asked what he’ll do if Jones challenges him to double or nothing for another ten years of Goodell, Snyder said, “If it comes to that, may God have mercy on all our souls.”