Dallas, Texas — The Cowboys expressed relief today that the search for a backup quarterback as absolutely talentless and uninspiring as Tony Romo seems to be over, reports a local media source. Since being sidelined by a shoulder injury against the Philadelphia Eagles in week two, the team has had a difficult time finding a backup with as little ability and heart as the nine year veteran starter.
Head Coach Jason Garrett has expressed frustration to his staff and to the media over the past several weeks as searches for a douche bag replacement quarterback have proven fruitless. “We’ve spent a lot of time cultivating Brandon [Weeden] into the exact type of shitty replacement we want for Tony, but he wasn’t able to perform at the level we needed to validate our decision to sign Tony to a large contract. But it looks like Matt [Cassel] is the right mixture of douche and awfulness to elevate to Romo’s caliber.
The team recently acquired journeyman quarterback Matt Cassell in an effort to match the overall lousy play of the Cowboys’ $108 million starting quarterback.
“Tony is a special player,” said team owner and general manager Jerry Jones. “He brings an irreplaceable level of terrible play to the field. We’ve even bolstered up that front line to give Matt Cassel more time in the pocket to make costly mistakes, and so far he’s taking advantage of the opportunity he’s being given.”
“We were encouraged by Brandon’s interception early in the game against Atlanta, but frankly he improved his play in a way that was not in keeping with his role as Tony’s backup,” remarked Garrett after the loss to the Falcons. “We even considered open tryouts for a new backup who brought as many sorry qualities to the table as Tony, but thank good ness it didn’t come to that. Matt is ****ing it up plenty good now.”
At press time, the Cowboys were considering a trade with the Chargers for Philip Rivers in case Cassel’s play improved.