Studies Show More Citizens Realizing ‘American Dream’ of Watching the Dallas Cowboys Implode

Statue of Liberty seen from the Circle Line ferry, Manhattan, New York
Statue of Liberty seen from the Circle Line ferry, Manhattan, New York

New York, NY – More people are realizing the ‘American Dream’ of watching the Dallas Cowboys spiral into a seemingly bottomless quagmire of mediocrity, suggests a University of California at Berkeley study.  The study compared year over year trends across a broad spectrum of United States demographics based on socioeconomic status and generational differences to determine conclusively that 2015 is the best year in over a decade for Americans to achieve their goal of enjoying the shitstorm that is America’s Team’s descent into irrelevance.

“When I brought my family here fifteen years ago, there were more opportunities for people like me to appreciate the complete, how do you say, terribleness of the Dallas Cowboys,” said local small business owner Mikael Swarsky.  “But recently, times have been more difficult.  I have had to work longer and harder hours, but when I can get away for a few minutes on Sunday to watch Jerry Jones sulk away from his suite in disgust at the end of a game, it is all worth it.”

In addition to an overall increase in quality of life, most subjects of the study reported optimism for the upcoming years due to Cowboy fans’ seemingly never ending support of their mistake-prone and aging quarterback and the revolving door of convicts who are signed each season.

“My friends back home told me the American Dream was over,” declared Ahmed Mohammad, who arrived into the country just last year.  “But since coming here, I’ve been able to enjoy a level of horrible Cowboys football that would be impossible for me to see back home.  We are truly blessed to be in this nation of plentiful access to the crushed hopes that each new season delivers to Dallas’ football team.”

Economists predict at least another three years of robust prosperity, citing the remaining term of Tony Romo’s contract and Jerry Jones’s dogged refusal to die.


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