Chicago, IL – Mike Turko, a local Cubs fan who threw an empty beer bottle at Steve Bartman’s head in the infamous 2003 National League Championship Series game six, believes that the universe owes him a Cubs championship, reports a source close to Turko. The Cubs are presently down two games to none against the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series, and are looking to rebound to make their first World Series appearance since 1945.
“We’ve suffered a long time as fans,” said Turko. “I’ve waited my whole lives for a Cubbies championship and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do or anyone I wouldn’t beat to death if they got in the way of it. Not my mom, not my wife, and certainly not that punk Steve Bartman. Frankly I think fate owes me a little something for my dedication.”
“Yeah, I threw a bottle at that queer’s head,” added Turko about Steve Bartman at Game 6. “Fartman, that’s what we call him, was the reason the Cubbies lost that game. He screwed up that Castillo out. That led to the next eight runs and then the game seven meltdown. Security tried to get him out of there without getting rocked, I don’t know why, so I threw a bottle. It missed, but I think my buddy got some spit on that bitch.”
Cubs fans are widely known for blaming anything else for their half-century of terrible play besides the actual players, including curses and fan interference.
“I grew up Catholic, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that God owes us a win after our years of dedication,” said Turko. “I mean, I’m a good guy. I don’t hate the Jews or anything. I have a black neighbor. I pray to God every day for two things: For the Cubbies to bring home a title and for that queer Fartman to die in a house fire, and I think the Almighty is going to come through for me.”
“Chicago’s got the best fans in baseball. That’s why we would have killed that guy or any of those other ten people trying for that ball if we had to,” Turko said. “Anything to help our team win, you know, and I think God or karma or whatever owes us all one.”
At press time, Turko was wishing he had been the one to catch that game six foul ball to keep as a souvenir of a momentous Cubs moment.