Atlanta, GA – NFL fans across Georgia expressed surprise today that Atlanta had a professional team, and apparently had dating back to 1965, reports a local media source. Most were clued in not by the Falcons’ hot 5-0 start to the 2015 season, but by the progress of construction for the new stadium, slated for a 2018 opening.
“I’m a huge NFL fan,” remarked long time Atlanta resident Sam White. “I’ve followed the Panthers for years now because they were the closest team, or so I thought. No one ever told me we had a team right here in Atlanta. I mean, how was I supposed to know?”
Attendance at the NFC South-leading Falcons games usually runs in the range of 3000 to 10,000 attendees, all of whom are fans of whomever is visiting that week. Team sources report that efforts and promotions to attract more of a local following, including Date your Daughter Day and Free Pig Lip Sandwich Day have so far proven unsuccessful in attracting more fans to the games. Earlier this year, the Falcons were punished by the NFL for piping in crowd noise to mask their nonexistent fan support, hit with a hefty fine and docked a draft pick in 2016.
Team owner Arthur Blank expressed frustration at the attendance situation. “We’ve tried everything from deep ticket discounts to player meet and greets, but no one cares. I’ve even considered sacrificing a virgin, but we couldn’t find any in the entire state.”
Local chef Mike Billings was asked what he thought the Georgia Dome was for if not an NFL team. “I just thought it was for truck rallies and boat shows. I went to a Toby Keith concert there once and it kicked a whole ton of ass. Do the Falcons have any big stars I’d know about?” When told Julio Jones was a top 3 NFL receiver in receptions and yards, Billings remarked, “I didn’t know Mexicans played football.”
“I can’t believe we’ve had a team right here since 1965,” added Billings. “I can’t wait to catch up on all the championships they must have won in 50 years.”