New York, New York – NFL owners regularly force league commissioner Roger Goodell to eat various substances as consideration to retain his high-paying position reports a source. Some of the items Goodell is reported to have consumed at the request of his employers include dog feces, a pair of Robert Kraft’s used underwear, and a nickel found under a Superdome urinal.
“We like Roger,” said Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay. “But he’s kind of a moron. So whenever he messes something up, which is often, we entertain ourselves by telling him we won’t fire him if he eats something disgusting. We’ve turned it into sort of a competition, you know, who can come up with the most disgusting thing. [Saints owner] Tom [Benson] is the worst. That guy is relentless.”
Goodell, who earned a reported forty-four million dollars in 2014, has had a tenure replete with controversy, inconsistent decisions, and gross incompetence. Several commentators have speculated that the only way he could possibly keep his job is if Goodell were some sort of fool who entertained at the pleasure of his billionaire employers.
When reached for comment, Goodell claimed the dares were all in good fun. “Those guys are cool. They’re always joking around. One time, after I botched the Ray Rice thing (I’m always doing stuff like that), they told me if I didn’t drink a gallon of milk mixed with orange juice in an hour, I was out. They called it the Ginger Binger. I puked all night, then they made me eat that. Mr. Snyder was so drunk that night.”
“When that whole Deflategate thing happened,” remarked Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, “Robert [Kraft] sort of lost it, you know? We were all in there laughing, and it was just making him madder and madder. So he demanded Roger eat a AAA battery. Holy shit, was his face red. He meant it and Roger was about to do it! We had to stop him. We talked Kraft into feeding him the pair of underwear he was wearing. He took them off right there, and Roger went to town, crying the whole time. I’ve never laughed so hard at anything in my life.”
When asked what else they have planned for Goodell to eat, Jones replied, “I don’t know, that guy will eat anything, man. He is sick. We threatened him once with a Jimmy John’s Totally Tuna sandwich, but he said he’d rather be fired.”