College Station, TX – The Texas A&M Board of Regents has approved the addition of another 147 hallowed traditions to be implemented at football games beginning in the 2018 season. The new traditions join the already formidable cadre of rituals that include Midnight Yell and “humping it”.
“We’re excited for the new traditions,” remarked Charles Schwartz, chairman of the board. “Students who choose this institution expect and deserve a unique football viewing experience, and we’re here to give that to them.”
Chairman Schwartz made it clear that not every nominated tradition was green-lit. “We have the prestige of the school to consider,” said Schultz. “We can’t be instituting traditions that make us laughing stocks of the entire NCAA.” Each year, the Board receives over 2,000 new tradition nominations from students and alumni, but they rarely approve more than 150 of those.
“I enrolled at Texas A&M because I thought the game of football needed more crowd participation,” said freshman communications major Paul Wylie. “I wanted a college experience where I’d have homework to do before watching football games and have a bunch of tasks and jobs to keep track of.”
These are just a few of the newly implemented football traditions:
- If the opposing team scores a safety, every woman in attendance must cut a lock of her hair and offer it to a cadet which he then must pin somewhere on his uniform for the duration of the game;
- If A&M ever trails by more than twenty points, all sophomores must release their pocket geckos into the bleachers. If a blue one reaches the field, the quarterback must make all successive kickoffs;
- If the team wins more than ten games in a season, the mascot Reveille is to be renamed Moonchild until the kickoff of the following season opener;
- If a freshman captures the Snitch before an upperclassman, the entire crowd must get up and leave the stadium until the end of the quarter;
- Upon a missed extra point attempt, every twelfth man in the crowd must turn around and face backwards until the end of the game.
“The crowd participation is a big part of the Aggie experience, or so I’d assume,” said newly hired head coach Jimbo Fisher. “All the crazy things they do throughout the game and in between games and before the season I think are part of the rich culture and history of the school and have helped propel this program to be one of the most feared Texas teams in the entire SEC.”
When asked what the procedure was for approving new traditions for the school’s baseball program, Mr. Schwartz remarked, “The what program?”
The Aggies will kick off their 2018 campaign on August 30 against Northwestern State. Students are encouraged not to forget to bring their good luck ferrets, their branding iron ice sculptures, and their whoopee cushions, because the game might go into overtime.