Texas A&M Board of Regents Approves 147 New Traditions for the 2018 Football Season

Kyle

College Station, TX – The Texas A&M Board of Regents has approved the addition of another 147 hallowed traditions to be implemented at football games beginning in the 2018 season. The new traditions join the already formidable cadre of rituals that include Midnight Yell and “humping it”.

“We’re excited for the new traditions,” remarked Charles Schwartz, chairman of the board. “Students who choose this institution expect and deserve a unique football viewing experience, and we’re here to give that to them.”

Chairman Schwartz made it clear that not every nominated tradition was green-lit. “We have the prestige of the school to consider,” said Schultz. “We can’t be instituting traditions that make us laughing stocks of the entire NCAA.” Each year, the Board receives over 2,000 new tradition nominations from students and alumni, but they rarely approve more than 150 of those.

“I enrolled at Texas A&M because I thought the game of football needed more crowd participation,” said freshman communications major Paul Wylie. “I wanted a college experience where I’d have homework to do before watching football games and have a bunch of tasks and jobs to keep track of.”

These are just a few of the newly implemented football traditions:

  • If the opposing team scores a safety, every woman in attendance must cut a lock of her hair and offer it to a cadet which he then must pin somewhere on his uniform for the duration of the game;
  • If A&M ever trails by more than twenty points, all sophomores must release their pocket geckos into the bleachers. If a blue one reaches the field, the quarterback must make all successive kickoffs;
  • If the team wins more than ten games in a season, the mascot Reveille is to be renamed Moonchild until the kickoff of the following season opener;
  • If a freshman captures the Snitch before an upperclassman, the entire crowd must get up and leave the stadium until the end of the quarter;
  • Upon a missed extra point attempt, every twelfth man in the crowd must turn around and face backwards until the end of the game.

“The crowd participation is a big part of the Aggie experience, or so I’d assume,” said newly hired head coach Jimbo Fisher. “All the crazy things they do throughout the game and in between games and before the season I think are part of the rich culture and history of the school and have helped propel this program to be one of the most feared Texas teams in the entire SEC.”

When asked what the procedure was for approving new traditions for the school’s baseball program, Mr. Schwartz remarked, “The what program?”

The Aggies will kick off their 2018 campaign on August 30 against Northwestern State. Students are encouraged not to forget to bring their good luck ferrets, their branding iron ice sculptures, and their whoopee cushions, because the game might go into overtime.

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Patriots to Start Sheltand Pony at Quarterback on Sunday

pony

Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots announced today that they will start a Shetland pony named Biscuit at quarterback in the absence of Tom Brady.  Brady is serving the final week of a four-game suspension levied as a result of cheating allegations in the 2015’s playoffs.  In Brady’s absence, the Patriots have gone 3-0 behind able performances of backups Jimmy Garoppolo and rookie Jacoby Brissett.

“We plan to run several looks with a rotation of quarterbacks this week, but we expect Biscuit to take the majority of snaps,” said head coach Bill Belichick in his Friday press conference.  “It’s nothing against our other quarterbacks.  They’ve looked good all week in practice and in our first three games.  We just feel that Biscuit gives us the best chance against what we’re seeing on film of the Bills’ defense.”

The personnel change hasn’t been completely smooth.  “Of course I’m a little disappointed,” said third-string quarterback Brissett.  “I think I played well last week, but if coach wants a three year-old roan to start the game, then that’s what we’re doing.”

Wideout Julian Edelman, who was listed as backup quarterback last week in the suspension- and injury-depleted position, said, “I’ll play wherever coach wants me to play.  If he tells me to play quarterback, I’ll play quarterback.  If he tells me to fetch water for a rookie, I’ll do that.  If he needs me to take passes from a miniature horse, then I’ll do that too.”

Scouts report that Biscuit has above-average foot speed and endurance, but a weak throwing arm and a lack of opposable thumbs.

Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan remarked earlier today that, “Losing this game will be really embarrassing.”

Vegas oddsmakers have set the opening line at Patriots -20.

Local Child Molester Roger Goodell Tired of Being Mistaken for NFL Commish

park bench

Louisville, KY – Local resident and convicted child molester Roger Goodell is tired of being mistaken for the NFL Commissioner of the same name reports a source.  Roger Goodell pleaded guilty to exposing himself to children at a local playground in 2014 and now must register with the state and remain a thousand feet away from any elementary school.

“Whenever I hand my I.D. to someone, like at the store, they give me this really suspicious look, and I have to explain, ‘I’m not the asshole NFL Commissioner, I’m the guy who exposed himself to those kids,’ and they always nod and relax a little.”

“I hate that we let people like Roger Goodell continue to live in this country,” said local resident Mike Faldo.  “He’s a sick son of a bitch who doesn’t contribute a damn thing to the world and just takes up our precious air.  Now who’s this sex offender you mentioned?  Never heard of him.”

“I hope they let me change my name,” lamented Goodell.  “I never really saw much of a down side to having to register as a sex offender, but if they don’t let me change my name, I’ll have to kill myself.  My mom posted my bail that day, but sharing a name with that douche bag commissioner is without a doubt the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Goodell went on to say, “It’s bad enough I kind of look like that moron, with this stupid red hair and dead eyes.  When moms see me coming down the street, they walk their kids to the other side.  It’s only when they get closer that they see I’m not that brain dead slug and they stop worrying.”

“I feel like I’m being held hostage by that jerk,” said Goodell.  “I’m too humiliated to even leave the house anymore.  I’m always scared that someone will see me and not recognize that I’m the guy who dropped trou in front of a group of kids instead of that monster in New York, and I just can’t live with that kind of indignity.  Why can’t he just die already?”

At press time, the city counsel was debating an ordinance keeping NFL commissioner Roger Goodell 1000 feet from the city to avoid these unfortunate kinds of mix-ups.

Brazilian President Invites Ryan Lochte back as Guest of Honor for Closing Ceremonies

Michel Temer

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – The Brazilian government today extended a special invitation to embattled Olympian Ryan Lochte to return back to the country as a guest of honor for the Closing Ceremonies, reports an official source.  The twelve-time Olympic medalist left the country days ago amid allegations of making a false claim of street violence while staying in Brazil.

“We just want Mr. Lochte to understand that all is forgiven,” said Brazilian president Michel Temer during his press conference.  “This is our olive branch, as it were.  We take full responsibility for any misunderstanding that may have occurred regarding this unfortunate incident and would like to invite Mr. Lochte over, free of charge to, as you Americans say, bury the hatchet.”

Temer went on to describe some specifics of the invitation.  “All expenses paid.  Mr. Lochte would receive a free plane ticket and would be met at the airport by an official vehicle with a private driver, who would then transport him to a government where he would be housed, again free of charge, for a lengthy stay.  I will personally greet Mr. Lochte at the airport,” added Temer.

President Temer dismissed the idea that this was just some ploy to get Lochte back into Brazilian jurisdiction to face charges.  “What?  No.  No, no, no.  Mr. Lochte was in the right.  Sure, he was exposed as a liar, and wasn’t actually the victim of street violence.  But he could have been, am I right?  Rio de Janeiro is a violent place.  We don’t blame him for anything.  We’re over it.  We hold Mr. Lochte in the highest regard.  We just want him to come back so we can give him the honor he deserves.”

At press time, Lochte was seen boarding a plane to redeem his free Brazilian vacation.

Local Man With no Athletic Background About to be Leading Expert on 28 Different Sporting Events

couch

Birmingham, AL – Local Verizon sales representative Adam Harris is about to become one of the nation’s leading experts on all 28 Olympic sporting events, despite having no formal background in athletics, reports a source.  The revelation comes just ahead of the Opening Ceremonies of the 31st Olympiad in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

“The U.S. should be in contention for about 45 golds this year, but don’t sleep on China,” said Harris, who yesterday could only name seven Olympic events, two of which were winter.

“This women’s gymnastics team might be our best yet,” added Harris, who earlier today couldn’t name a single one of the five-member U.S. Olympic gymnastics team, including Gabby Douglas, 2012’s individual all around Olympic gold medal winner.  “She’s going to need to stick a perfect double layout to advance,” Harris plans to say no fewer than ten times throughout the duration of the competition.

“That’s a pretty fast dude,” sagely remarked Harris of Usain Bolt, the current world record holder of the 100 meter dash and 6-time Olympic gold medalist.

Harris, whose only personal standout athletic accomplishment was an in-the-park home run in the fifth grade, will opine at length about exactly what sort of times the various rowing teams will need to beat to have a shot at medaling.  “The coxless pairs team will need at least a 6:10 for gold this year.  New Zealand is going to be a really tough out this year.”

Harris’ Olympic knowledge is thought to be the most extensive since Burt Morris of Santa Fe, New Mexico correctly predicted all three curling medals in the 2014 Sochi games.

Cleveland Residents Don’t Have the Heart for Celebratory Riot

Cleveland, OH – Following the stunning victory of the Cleveland Cavaliers over the favored Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals, Cleveland residents found themselves unwilling to muster enough energy to stage a proper riot.  This is the first Cleveland championship in a major sport since 1964.

“I’m so happy, I want to push that police car over and set it on fire, but I just can’t get motivated enough to do it,” said local resident Jerry Markham.  “A bunch of us ran out into the street as soon as the game was over, but no one really wanted to get things started.  Instead, we just went back inside, watched Sportscenter, and looked for funny crying Jordan memes on Twitter.

Another resident, Tyler Johnson, said, “Yeah, if this had been ten years ago, I would have torn this city down.  But I don’t know, after Johnny Football and the Decision, I just don’t have the energy to pick up a trash can and throw it through the window of a gas station so I can steal $15 worth of jerky.  I mean, I know I should, but I have work tomorrow.”

“I went downtown,” remarked Cleveland State University junior Burt Garrett, “but once I got there, I just took in a deep breath, hugged a hobo, and caught a cab back home to go to sleep.  I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The Finals MVP LeBron James expressed his disappointment.  “I worked my butt off on the court, brought this team back from the brink of elimination, and won the first championship in 50 years and these people can’t even thank me by tearing down a few street lights?  It’s disrespectful, man.”

At press time, riots were quickly spreading around Detroit in anticipation of a possible Pistons playoff appearance next year, or the start of Summer, or boredom or whatever.

Steph Curry Can’t Understand Why McCormick Doesn’t Call for Curry Powder Endorsement

StephOakland, CA – Star guard for the Golden State Warriors, Stephen Curry, announced today that he doesn’t understand why McCormick won’t call his agent for a curry powder endorsement. Curry recently signed massive endorsement deals with Under Armor and is a spokesperson for JP Morgan Chase.

“My name’s Curry,” said a despondent Curry.  “They’re selling curry.  It’s the perfect combination.”  The two time MVP and reigning NBA champion went on to say, “I love curry.  We’ve been contacted by Regal, Swanson’s, several of the other ones, but I didn’t drop 402 three pointers this season to deal with second-rate curry.”

“I’ve worked out all sorts of slogans,” Curry added.  “’McCormick’s MVP curry.’  We could call it ‘Curry’s Curry’ or ‘Steph’s Curry.’  I just don’t get why they won’t call  It’s like they don’t like money.”

Curry, who has set several NBA records during his career, is also a celebrated gourmand and amateur chef.  “I love a good curry.  And the only curry that’s good enough for this Curry is McCormick.  See?  They write themselves!”

Some teammates were reached for comment, among them the other ‘Splash Brother’ Klay Thompson.  “Yeah, he’ll drain a big three-pointer in a game and then come back on defense and say ‘you think McCormick saw that?’  He’s obsessed.  He brings in these dishes he made to practice all the time – fish curry, prawn curry, coconut curry.  Sometimes I think that’s all he eats.”

Curry and his agent will have an entire off-season to continue their efforts to capture the curry whale, McCormick.

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for McCormick said, “I don’t know why LeBron won’t call us.”